Tips For Dealing With An Inconsistent Ex

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I’m a wife, stepmom x3 and mom x 1 who when I couldn’t find the stepmom support I was looking for, decided to create it myself. I love mac + cheese, distressed denim, sauvignon blanc and all things Dateline. 

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Before I wrote this post, I went to my Instagram Stories to see what the community was looking for. One of the responses was this: 

“The bio mom rollercoaster. Communicates and then doesn’t for no reason”. 

This is a really common issue in the co-parenting world.

It can be so frustrating and emotionally draining, to NOT know what to expect when you interact with someone. 

Sometimes they are friendly and all about the open co-parenting relationships,
sometimes they are cold and somewhat mean,
and other times its radio silence. 

The uncertainty can cause a lot of anxiety.
It’s hard when you don’t know what to expect. 

It’s like … just tell me how you want this relationship to go, so I can plan my life accordingly. 

If you want to be friendly, be friendly. 

If you want to pretend I don’t exist, pretend I don’t exist. 

If you want to be high conflict, consistently be high conflict. 

Uncertainty is exhausting. 

If you’re dealing with this, here’s my advice on how to respond. 


1. Don’t. 

Let your partner take the lead on communication. The uncertainty is draining and is not worth your time and energy.

2. Always be cordial when you do interact but don’t take it as an invitation to take your relationship to the next level.

You’re just hoping back on the rollercoaster and setting yourself up for disappointment.


3. Understand that this is not about you, it’s about what you represent. 

Often bio moms WANT to have a cordial relationship with their child’s stepmom, but they are not healed enough to do so on a consistent basis. 

When they lash out or shut you out, it’s more about their process than it is about you. 

You may trigger them. 

Again, it’s not about you it’s about what you represent.


4. Respond to this with grace and kindness, but also have boundaries like a motherf*cker. 

You need to protect yourself. If you don’t, you’re going to end up feeling disappointed about the ups and downs of your relationship .

You’ll find yourself saying “maybe things are going to change…” only to feel disappointed again and again and again.


Remember, You get to decide YOUR rules of engagement. If you don’t treat yourself with respect, no one else will either. 

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