What the stepmom wants the ex-wife to know… and what the ex-wife says back!


I’m a wife, stepmom x3 and mom x 1 who when I couldn’t find the stepmom support I was looking for, decided to create it myself. I love mac + cheese, distressed denim, sauvignon blanc and all things Dateline. 

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Photo Cred: Abby Campbell Design

Photo Cred: Abby Campbell Design

A while back, I wrote a post on Instagram with THIS caption.

Okay listen up. Here’s what the stepmoms want you to know…

We aren’t evil.

We aren’t trying to replace our stepchildren’s mom.

We don’t resent our stepkids being around.

We aren’t trying to overstep, or take over, or cause conflict….

We aren’t home wreckers.

We simply fell in love with a man with kids, and are doing the best we can navigating this role…

We just want the best for our family and it’s not an easy task.

(and yes they’re our family too)

We’re expected to be involved but not too involved …

Parent them like they’re our own, while not acting like they’re our own (that would be over-stepping)….

We’re good enough for the appointments, the homework, the running around but better step aside for those milestone moments, because we need to know our place.

All while living a life dictated by custody schedules, separation agreements, and co-parenting arrangements and the “I don’t have to listen to you because you’re not my mom” mentality of our Society.

I’m not complaining. I love being a stepmom… my stepkids happen to be three of the best people I know…

But either way, when you’re a stepmom you’re damned if you do, you’re damned if you don’t.

The message? Lose the stereotype. Screw the stigma. Forget about what Cinderella told you…. .

Give the stepmoms the benefit of the doubt, and look at it this way. There more people who can WORK TOGETHER to raise these kids into kind, successful, happy, well-adjusted adults… the better! You can NEVER have too many people love you. IT’S NOT A COMPETITION.


Jamie Scrimgeour - What The Stepmom Wants The Ex Wife To Know | Stepmom Support


The response was phenomenal, when I shared it on my Facebook Page, the comment thread was full of AMEN’s and “you read my minds…”

A few days later I received a note from a Mom… who is dealing with an ex spouse and a new stepmom. Her message left me with tears rolling down my face.

She told me that she follows me to try and understand the perspective of a stepmom, and that she felt compelled to share another perspective, from a mom who also feels stigmatized!
Here is what she said…

The big one for me was “you’re jealous of me/us” and that’s true in a way but not how she/her friends/everyone thought.

I’m not jealous because you’re with him, I’m jealous because you’re living the life I was supposed to be living. You’re doing family activities I was supposed to be doing. You’re actually doing activities I begged him to do with me/us that he had no interest in doing because it was me.

I don’t want to be with him but every time I miss a memory, it’s hard because if we had been a better couple, it would have been me making those memories with my kids. And there’s a loss there..I love that they have a great relationship with their dad and that they have so much fun with them but they’re still my kids and I’m missing out on their joy.

Something you said once in a video has stuck with me, that your husband is a better person/better version now after his divorce and I totally find that true. And that I’m jealous of too.

She got a better version of him than I did. Hands down. He’s a much better dad and by the sounds of it, partner and it took moving on from our relationship for him to become that person and sometimes that’s a hard pill to swallow…..

So jealous, yes, but not in the I want him variety that is assumed. She can have him, and to be honest if she had what I had, she probably wouldn’t want him either!-

As a stepmom, a mom and an “expert in stepfamily dynamics” (whatever that means)…. this message, it changed me. It’s so important to remember, we all see and experience the very same situation with a very different lens. Empathy guys. It’s all about empathy.

I’m sharing this message on here, in hopes that it may do the same for you!

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Comments +

  1. ciaraelisehayden@hotmail.com says:

    This blog has been just what I have needed. I am marrying my partner of 5 years in a couple of months and am struggling with the dynamics of our family at the moment. He has two amazing kids, a 12yr old and a 15yr old so difficult ages.
    I don’t have kids but have tried to treat them as if they are my own, the only problem being me and my partner have completely different views on parenting.
    I was brought up to help out in the house and his kids do nothing. I have started to find this tricky as how do I expect them to listen to what I say if they don’t even listen to their parent’s?
    I tell them I love them and try to give them hugs but they dismiss or ignore my advances, which in turn can make me feel rejected ( stupid I know as I am the adult!) I usually do all that I can to make their time with us homely, male their lunches, tidy their rooms take down the endless cups rubbish etc but I am now trying to just take a back seat as I feel like I’m becoming almost desperate! Do I think that they are going to take notice of all these things I do and suddenly love me?! My partner says I make something out of nothing when I tell him I’m going to stop doing trying so hard but he doesn’t realise just how hurt I feel. I appreciate reading all of your thoughts and experiences so that I can try and do the best thing for our family life.

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