Being the “second” or “new” wife is something that so many stepmoms struggle with.
There’s so many factors that contribute to this insecurity, but mostly I think it stems from the stigma and assumptions society places on stepmoms and/or divorcees.
That combined with the fact that stepmoms feel like they “missed” out on experiencing many of the first in life with their husband.
Honestly, I’d love to tell you that this insecurity is something I have never experienced, but I can’t. During that first year of marriage I definitely struggled with the feeling of being, ummm, how do I put it… “new” or like an “outsider” in my family.
Shortly before our wedding day I broke down and started to question whether or not our wedding meant as much to my husband, because he had done it once before.
Before we had our baby girl, I sat on our stairs bawling because it this baby would be his fourth and my first. He knew what to expect and I had no idea what I was in for (for the record ladies, this experience turns out to be a VERY goof thing for first time moms… I thank my lucky stars that he knew what he was doing!)
I was jealous of the fact that he had purchased our house with another woman, and had all those “firsts” in life with someone else.
I had this idea in my head that because I was his second wife, that our relationship was taken less seriously by others.
Man, do I ever wish I could go back and give the girl that I was a huge shake! Straight up, while those insecurities are very common, they were (and are) complete b*llshit. I needed to get out of my own head!
On a regular, stepmoms confide in me about their own insecurities about being the “second wife”.
Even though every stepfamily dynamics is different, these insecurities are pretty universal.
But like I said, I want to give these woman a shake!
I want to show them how to switch their mindset, so they can see being the second as a positive thing. Because it is!
On that note, today I’m sharing 3 Ways to Shake The Insecurities that Come With Being the “New” or Second Wife!
1. LET TIME DO IT’S THING
Trust me, this is a situation where you need to let time do it’s thing.
As time goes on, you’ll make your own memories and you’ll create your own traditions. You will no longer feel new. You and your new family will get into a groove, you will no longer need to be introduced to his friends/acquaintances/co-workers. You will be yesterdays news (in a good way)
On day, all of a sudden you’ll realize that you don’t identify yourself as being the “new” or “second” wife anymore. You’re simply his wife.
I often think back to my introductions during that first year with my husband.
“This is my wife Jamie” he’d introduce me to acquaintances at various events
“oh yes we’ve met” they would respond
“Umm… no actually you haven’t. This is my errrr new wife.” He’d correct them
2. YOU MAY NOT GET HIS FIRSTS, BUT YOU GET HIS LASTS
Not experiencing the “first house” or the “first baby” or the “first marriage” with your partner is something that rattles so many stepmoms. Like I said above, I totally get it.
I would have loved to experience all those things with my husband, but that’s just not how things went for us (That and with our 13 year age difference, I’m pretty sure at once point in time that would have been illegal)
If you feel this way too, let me ask you something. At the end of the day, are those firsts THAT meaningful if you don’t get to sit in your rocking chairs together, during those last years of your life, and reminisce about the good old days?”
I don’t think so!
Does your husband still sit and reminisce about the excitement of buying a house with his ex?
No he does not. He’s thinking about his life with you.
As his second and last wife, YOU get to sit on those rocking chairs. YOU get to reminisce. YOU get to reflect.
The firsts don’t really matter.
3. YOU GET A BETTER VERSION OF YOUR HUSBAND
Being his second wife is actually a positive thing.
You get a better version of your husband.
The truth is, no matter what stories you’ve heard about how terrible his ex was during their marriage, YOUR HUSBAND made mistakes. He screwed up. Probably oodles of times.
Chances are, with those screw ups, came a lot of lessons!
You get a better man. You get someone who can reflect on a previous marriage and see where he went wrong.
I know for a fact that I get a better version of my husband! We’ve had conversations about lessons he’s learned and things that he does differently this time around. I’m thankful for that!
I’m willing to bet that even if you and your partner haven’t had that same conversation, this is true for you too!
The point of this ladies, is that if YOU struggle with being the second wife, if you feel insecure about not having his first – your feelings are normal but I think you should switch your mindset and get out of your own head. You’re worrying about things that you can’t change, and your missing out on all the positives that come with being the second.
Do me a favour and share give it some online love.
Like, comment and share it with the stepmoms in your community! This is a message that all stepmoms need to hear!
Do me a favour and share give it some online love.
Like, comment and share it with the stepmoms in your community!
This is a message that all stepmoms need to hear!