A Stepmom Confession: Some days are just shitty


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A Stepmom Confession: Some days are just shitty

I talk a lot about how to remain positive when it comes to being a stepmom. Specifically, about not letting people and things that you can’t control bring you down.

I’m all about the whole “you can’t control other people, the only thing you can control is your reactions”


“the way people treat you is more about them than it is about you” attitude

I’ve been getting a lot of emails lately asking me how I maintain this positive attitude all the time.

The answer? I don’t.

It’s a work in progress. And just like “real” parenting, with step-parenting, some days are just freaking shitty.

Somedays… actually most days…  I am sure that one of my stepchildren just hates me, and even though I should chalk it up to age-appropriate behaviour, it’s a really shitty feeling.

I struggle between spoiling him so that he will like me again, and staying true to the way I feel a parental figure should act.

Somedays, I feel like I am good enough to make the annoying snack backs for the hockey bus, to attend doctor’s appointments, to do the the errands, the back to school shopping, the lunches and the school forms but when it comes down to decisions that actually matter, my opinion is trumped and/or non-existent … and rightfully so, because I am “just” a stepmom. But you can’t help but feel like you’re good enough until you’re not.

Somedays I even feel resentful, because I know that if I wasn’t a stepmom I would most likely have another baby by now… but with everything that we have going on, it’s just not the “right time”. My head knows that, but every once-in-a-while my heart takes over.

Somedays, the inevitable complications that come with co-parenting just get to me and I’m left asking myself “why can’t anything be simple?”

Somedays, even though we’ve been together for almost four years now, I feel I still don’t know what my role is supposed to be.

And while we’re being honest, even though I am madly in love with my husband and our family, amongst the chaos… some days…. every once and a while, I think about what it would be like to not be in a blended family… but to be just a mom and dad with kids.

Now I don’t have these thoughts everyday. In fact, these days are few and far between.

But even though for the most part, I love being a stepmom, they just creep in.

Like I said, some days are just shitty.

I’m not telling you this because I want a pat on the back, a “you go girl” or someone to throw me a parade

In fact, I recognize that by being so candid I am setting myself up for comments telling me that “I knew what I signed up for” and that I am “just a stepmom” and should know my place.

I also recognize that someone may read this and say to themselves “oh cry me a river”

You know what? That’s totally okay!

Because the reason why I am writing this is because I know right well that there are tonnes of stepmoms who feel the same way.

And these stepmoms feel really shitty for feeling the way they feel.

It’s really easy to look at posts on social media, and think that someone has it all together, and that life perfect for them. But it’s not real. Social Media is not real life.

We all have shitty days.
We all have days where we wish we could have a do-over.
We are all a work in progress.

That’s the key though. To continue to be a work in progress. To continue to remind yourself of everything that you have to be grateful for….amongst all the bullsh*t.

And I’m not saying it’s just blended families who have to deal with b*llshit. Everyone has some form of b*llshit in their life…

I don’t think it’s possible to be positive all of the time. We’re human beings and it’s natural to have negative emotions… because like I said, everyone is dealing with some sort of crap.

The key to being positive is deciding how long you’re going to let yourself bask in the b*llshit… because the longer you bask in sh*t, the harder is it to get all cleaned up!


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Comments +

  1. kristenhwilson@gmail.com says:

    I loved this post. I am a full time step mom to 2 teenage boys and share literally every single one of the feelings you describe. Thank you for your honesty and for making me feel less alone!!

  2. Thestepmumdiaries says:

    This post just summed up everything I feel. I love reading your blog it’s so great to know that i’m not the only one who struggles sometimes. I wrote a post a few weeks ago about how hard it is to know where you stand as a stepmom. It’s not nearly so eloquent as yours (it was written after a few of those ‘shitty’ days) but it would be great if you would take a look: http://thestepmumdiaries.blogspot.co.uk/2016/11/monday-blues.html

  3. hollie138@gmail.com says:

    I absolutely love this, the whole you know what you signed up for is easy for someone to say that is not in these shoes. Being a step mom is amazing I never want to complain about it, BUT just like with everything else in life there is bad days, and it’s so nice to know that you’re not alone, so many of us step moms have the same bad days, or bad moments, and deal with the exact same issues

    I’m so thankful I found your blog to remind myself of that.


  4. lacyandrus@gmail.com says:

    Loved this so much! It’s so easy to tell yourself you shouldn’t feel a certain way, and it’s even easier to bottle all of those emotions, because really, who can you complain to? It’s been SO nice to hear my feelings written in words by someone else. Thank you for sharing. This really hit home for me, and made me realize I’m not alone. xo

  5. samanthawooten25@gmail.com says:

    Thank you for sharing all your feelings, not just the happy positive ones. Its so good to know we aren’t alone in this.

    I’m having a rough time right now, we’ve been married 6 months, but together almost 4 years. We’ve talked about having children our whole relationship and lately I’ve been feeling the weight of having to wait. We moved into a smaller apartment so we could save to buy a house, and don’t have space for a baby where we are. I had 2 miscarriages with my ex husband and feel like I’ve been waiting to be a mom forever. The season on waiting is so hard.

  6. katkym@hotmail.com says:

    I feel exactly the same way. I try to stay positive most the time and keep up the bright, cheery I can take anything you want to through at me persona but if people really knew what I was thinking some of the time It would probably shock them. I do think about what life would be like if it was just my husband and the child we had together. I sometimes even mourn for the 2nd child I will never have because I was busy helping to raise 2 children who belong to someone else for the past 8 years with little to no thanks or respect. I think about the firsts as you have mentioned many times before, that I have been denied because I fell in love with someone who had done it all before. I worry about how I will never have that maternal bond with these kids like I do with my own daughter and if that lack of bond will somehow shine through an effect them negatively in some way. I do try to treat them as if they are my own when they are in my house but I struggle to feel a deep connection. It may be because of this resentment. I sometimes feel used and treated just as a housemaid. As I said earlier I try to keep it together on the outside most of the time, my husband doesn’t even know I sometimes have these thoughts but it’s nice to get it out, instead of crying on my own behind closed doors. Don’t get me wrong, I do love my step kids and for the most part, we get along fine but I am only human and sometimes we think about what could have been, it’s in our nature.

  7. ashleyl.goetz@gmail.com says:

    I needed this article! Thank you!! With school starting this week I’ve been reminded again that I am just "step" mom. Not mom. This Saturday is my daughter’s birthday. And her class is celebrating on Friday. I assumed, because it is our day with her. And this year is her birthday with us, that I would be the one taking treats in for her class. But nope. Her mother informed us she would be doing it. And my husband says it’s just not worth the fight. I get it. But it sooo sucks!! 😔

  8. joannaapena@gmail.com says:

    This is amazing. I have felt so much of what this explained. I was a full time step mom to two boys but after 4 years mom decided she was in a better place to take the older one back and she did. Little man is still with us full time thank goodness. I don’t have children of my own yet but I did loose a daughter in February at 5 months gestation. It was hard to loose what was mine to then go home and give my all to two amazing boys that at the end of the day can be taken away from me without so much as a conversation. I feel all these things and so much more. Thank you for this post. It was very therapeutic.

    • jamiescrimgeour@live.ca says:

      Oh my Joanna! That does sound hard. Sending positive vibes your way! Thank you so much for sharing.

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