Schedule changes, different parenting values, and a lack of boundaries with the ex.

These are all common stepfamily stressors and a total recipe for disaster in your stepfamily life if you’re not careful.

In fact, a common theme in my DM’s and in the chatroom of KICK-ASS Stepmom this week has been just that.

Stepmoms and their partners can’t seem to stop fighting about the ex (and the kids).
I get it.
I’ve been there.

Every time my husband Darren and I have a tough conversation, I’m reminded of how far we have come in how we communicate. Let me tell you, it used to get spicy.

When one of my recent coaching clients came to me, she was on the brink of leaving her marriage. She didn’t see another way out. After our call this week, she has an entirely different energy. She saw how these changes could help her and her partner. She saw how her reactions may be contributing to the dynamic. 

So with that, here are 6 tips to help you stop fighting about your partner’s ex.

1. SET YOUR INTENTIONS AND MAKE SOME GROUND RULES FOR THE CONVERSATION

“Hey, can we talk? Before we do, I don’t want to fight and don’t want you to get mad. I just need to be able to tell you how I’m feeling so we can work through this together”

“I don’t need you to agree with how I am feeling, but I need you to respect this is how I am experiencing this right now” 

2. HEAR YOUR PARTNERS PERSPECTIVE

Be okay with different opinions. Understand WHY they are reacting the way they are. Get curious. Ask questions. You may learn something you didn’t see.

For example, they may not be saying anything about the unpaid $49 in expenses because they want to avoid backlash and additional conflict (e.g. thousands of dollars in legal bills).

One time we said no to a vacation request because the time was rightfully ours and we ended up in court over child support negotiation. There’s truth in the saying “You don’t want to poke the bear”.

3. COMMIT TO NOT FIGHTING ABOUT THE EX

Darren once said, “Why are we letting an outside person come between us? We’re on the same team”.

If you intentionally commit to not fighting about the ex (especially the things you can’t control), chances are you will have a better time following through. Those uncontrollable things that inevitably come up won’t interfere so much.

4. REMEMBER YOU CANNOT CONTROL ANOTHER PERSON

That goes for both the ex AND your partner.

5. PICK YOUR BATTLES

When you have an issue with every little thing, your partner is less likely to take you seriously on the big things.

Ask yourself, “Is this really that important in the grand scheme of things?”

6. ASSESS YOUR REACTION

Is the way you’re responding to communication about the ex/conflict feel safe for your partner? Are you a minefield or a soft place to land?

He’s not going to want to communicate with you if you’re already losing your shit.

Jamie

PS. If you want to dive into this more, I have a workshop called “How To Communicate With Your Partner About Stepfamily Stress” inside KICK-ASS Stepmom.

Learn more here.

You can also learn about how to work with me one-on-one here.