I’m often asked for my favourite blogs for stepmoms. Fellow stepmoms are looking for recommendations.
I think people assume that I read a bunch of blogs written by stepmoms every week. They think that I am up to date on all the latest in the stepmom blogging community.
It hasn’t always been this way. When I first became a stepmom I dove into all the resources I could find…
I was looking for answers.
I wanted to find someone who could tell me how to navigate my stepfamily life. I wanted someone to tell me how to do it right.
After a lot of reading and a lot of work on myself, I learned that at the end of the day, only I know what’s right for me and my family.
Change couldn’t be found in a blog post.
I was the one who had to make it happen.
It wasn’t an easy process either.
It involved a lot of trial and error, critical thinking, hard conversations, more trial and error, some honest conversations (mostly with myself), processing grief and accepting the cold hard truths of my stepfamily life.
It was worth it though.
I figured out how to be the expert in my unique stepfamily dynamic.
I figured out what works for us.
There are things that I do in my stepfamily dynamic that my not work for yours.
- Reaching out to the ex about back to school
- Calling my stepchildren’s mom to talk about the kids, even when things are really strained
- Having an honest conversation about parenting values
- Taking the kids for a haircut
may backfire for you in a big way (Hey, sometimes it has for me too).
You on the other hand
- You may go to celebrations with the ex
- Have joint family gatherings
- Attend court with your partner
- Have a designated pick-up spot to avoid conflict
- Never ever play a role in discipline
- Be the primary disciplinarian
- Go to the parent teacher conference
- Never speak with the ex
- Be the primary source of communication between your partner and the ex
NONE of that works for me
NONE of that works for my family
NONE of that is in our best interest
(again, trial and error)
You see, there are a lot of hard and fast rules out there for stepmoms.
A stepmom should do this.
A stepmom shouldn’t do that.
It’s kind of bullsh*t because the role any one stepmom plays, can land on a very wide spectrum.
There are so many contributing factors that play a role in what the role looks like.
Finding peace as a stepmom is on you. It’s about:
- Finding your place
- Finding a way to feel more in control (of the uncontrollable)
- Learning how to prevent stepfamily stressors from consuming your thoughts
- Learning when to step up and when to step back
- Strong communication skills
- Strong conflict resolution skills
- Playing the long game and looking at the big picture
- Setting boundaries
- Grieving the life you thought you would have
The way that looks and feels for one stepmom can be entirely different than the next.
Screw the experts who tell you EXACTLY what you should do and why…
You get to create your own equation for stepfamily success.
Families are complicated.
Find your own equation.
It’s about learning how to live KICK-ASS Life amongst the extra stress – whatever that looks like for you!