I recently went on an instastory rant about the stigma associated with being a stepmom.
Here’s what sparked the rant.
I told a friend that, due to our access schedule and some recent travel, I hadn’t seen my stepchildren for about a week and a half.
She replied “isn’t that nice to have such a long break?”
I looked at her as if she were nuts….
“Actually no” I replied “I miss them a lot. This is way to long for me”
On this Instastory rant, I vented about the frustration I have with the widespread assumption that Stepmoms don’t like their stepchildren. People often assume we dread having them around.
That’s not the case (for me)… AT ALL.
In fact, even though the house is much cleaner and the “to do list” is much shorter, our home feels empty during our “week off”.
With the number of blended families and stepmoms in our Society, the stigma and assumptions often surprise me. Especially because I am connected with so many stepmoms who treat their stepchildren like they are their own.
HOWEVER, after I posted the rant I received a message from an Instagram Follower that brought me back to reality.
The comment stopped me in my tracks, but I couldn’t argue the point. She was right.
There ARE stepmoms who talk smack about their husband’s ex in front of the kids. There are stepmoms who purposely step on toes and cause conflict. There are stepmoms who appear to thrive off drama and turf wars. There are stepmoms who flat our don’t like their stepchildren and don’t want them around.
So even though I am working tirelessly to change the way that Society views stepmoms, I know that there ARE women who fit the “evil stepmom stereotype” to a T!
This message reminded me of a conversation I had with my husband about being an advocate for Stepmoms.
We talked about how it’s important that I don’t portray myself as someone who is a support for Stepmoms in general, but as a support for the ones who are striving for a healthy stepfamily dynamic.
There is a difference.
I don’t support women who publicly shame their stepchildren’s mother. I don’t support parents who attempt to alienate the children from their ex.
I find the ex-wife/real mom turf wars tacky and immature.
Most importantly, I believe that when you commit yourself to a man with kids, you commit yourself to those little people as well.
As Kate Chapman of This Life In Progress said, “You have to love your children more than you hate the ex”
It’s also imperative that I don’t present as naive to the reality for many stepfamilies.
When I think about it, lately maybe I have presented that way.
I am aware that even though there are Stepmoms who truly adore their stepchildren and provide healthy and productive homes, there are also high conflict Stepmoms who look at their stepchildren as a burden…
In fact, if we’re being honest, I am painfully aware because my siblings and I lived it once-upon-a-time.
Thankfully our Dad recognized what was going on and sent her packing,
Unfortunately that’s not always the case. Many times Father’s are oblivious or choose to ignore the dynamic between their wife and children.
Perhaps what I am about to say is a bit harsh. Perhaps you won’t agree… but I am going to say it anyways.
Shame on those dads.
The way I see its our job as parents to protect our kids, and ensure they are raised in an environment with love and respect.
Anything short of that, is just not good enough.
Jamie
That was perfect, now if only all the stepmoms would demonstrate the character that you just did, which proved that you are in fact not one of the bad ones, but they won’t because they are too busy hating on "biomom" which I can’t stand that term, the internet is covered-up in love for stepmoms, and articles protesting the wicked stepmother stigma, and articles like yours are very few and far between. This is to the point that I believe alot of stepmoms are in on the fatherhood agenda and have forgotten that they are women, and were women first, before being married to their husbands, and that we need to stick together. I have every perspective, except that I never had to deal with having a stepmother myself. I grew up in a traditional family without divorce, I am a stepmom, I was blessed with one amazing stepmom for my youngest daughter, but the stepmother of my older 3 daughters was indeed the epitome of the wicked stepmother. She completely alienated my kids from me, after putting me througqqor 8 yrs of divorce, and now my 3 beautiful girls, whom were made to call her mom since day one, now believe it and this has completely devastated me. And their little sister. This woman doesnt deserve the title of stepmom after the trama caused by her immature insecurities and the only positive I can thus far take from my tragedy when before I would not have even dreamed of this kind of pain or thought that being a decent human being would be too much to ask of the woman my ex chose to leave me for, you know as a decency for consolation in my marriage ending at her hands but I now will strive to make certain my step daughter always thinks her mom is her hero and perfect in every way, and give my other daughter’s step mom praise every chance I get for the love she shows my daughter and the blessing she is to our family, because no, she didnt have to love my daughter like her own, but she REALLY knows what that means on top of that which is HUGE. She understands love is not selfish, love is selfless. It isnt about getting the one you love to sacrifice what they need to please you, it is about making sacrifices to please them.