They say don’t sweat the small stuff, but sometimes that small stuff becomes really freaking inconvenient… ultimately resulting in some serious sweating (and stress!).

I’m talking about when you buy your stepchildren something, that they then take to the other parent’s house, and then you never see it again!

(Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, you see it again, but it can sometimes be a struggle to get everything back.)

It can be SO frustrating when you put time and money into making sure the kids have what they need when they are with you, and then they end up NOT having what they need when they are with you.

Now that my stepkids are older this doesn’t come up for us as much anymore. BUT this used to be a huge stressor for me and continues to be something that comes up inside the chatroom of KICK-ASS Stepmom.

For example: there was a period when one of my stepsons would only wear a certain type of skinny jeans – as in, if he didn’t have those skinny jeans, he would have a complete meltdown, and the morning was an absolute gongshow.

Of course, I’d always let him bring his jeans to his Moms, but it seemed like they were rarely returned … leaving me with major skinny jeans issues come our ‘week-on’.

That year, I bought so many pairs of those damn skinny jeans AND made even more extra trips to their Mom’s place to retrieve forgotten belongings. Let me just say that while working full time, with a 3-hour daily commute, it was a BIT inconvenient.

A few years later, as the kids grew up, it started to become a non-issue.

Yes, at least once a week we needed to drop by their Moms to grab something they had forgotten, but over time the kids became better at transitioning their belongings.

A shift happened.
Yes, things were still forgotten BUT I decided to not get stressed out about it anymore.

(Key word being DECIDED).

SHOULD A STEPMOM LET THEIR STEPKIDS BRING THINGS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN HOUSES? 

I get asked this question a lot. 

My answer? Yes! 

And here’s why. 

Because it’s not about you, it’s about the kids.
It’s not their fault that their parents are divorced.
It’s not their fault that they have two homes.
It’s not their fault that they can’t have all of their belongings with them wherever they are.

The whole situation just isn’t very fair for them!

Think about it from your perspective.
I know I would hate it if I could only wear my favourite jeans every other week, or only had access to my laptop or iPhone half the time.

I always remind myself that these are THEIR belongings, not their moms or their dads.

You’re probably like, “Okay Jamie I get it, but what happens when the stuff doesn’t come back?”

Here are 10 tips to help you tackle this common stepfamily stressor.

1. REMEMBER IT’S PROBABLY NOT INTENTIONAL

There were several times when the kids were young that I forgot to return some of their belongings to their Mom, for many reasons.

Life got busy, I just forgot or I didn’t even know they were here.

As parents, we have so many things on our plates.

Sometimes we just forget to return things (and that’s ok!).

2. REMEMBER, THIS WON’T LAST FOREVER

I can vouch for this. As the kids get older, they will become more responsible for their belongings.

We used to have a separate wardrobe at our house and their Mom’s house, and now that they’re teenagers we don’t – they have taken on the responsibility of bringing their belongings back and forth.

This is something that just happened naturally. It started with them bringing back and forth their favourite shirt, and it just snowballed from there.

Now on “transition day”, they have a HUGE bag that they bring – they certainly don’t pack light.

On occasion, they forget something, but hey, on occasion, I forget stuff too! It’s not that big of a deal!

3. CALL AND REMIND THE KIDS THE NIGHT BEFORE

Often Stepmoms say “Well I told them they had to bring it back last week”.

Well, when you tell them a week in advance, chances are they are going to forget. Kids have a VERY short memory. They probably don’t remember what you told them 20 minutes ago, let alone a week. They’re kids. 

Have your partner call them the night before, and remind them to throw the stuff in their bag right after the call – problem solved!

It’s all about that immediate “call to action” just as the phone call is ending. 

Then I highly recommend following up again.

4. SEND THE KID’S MOM A REMINDER TOO

A gentle, kind reminder helps.

Remember – it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.

DON’T SAY: Hey, the kids haven’t been bringing back any of the clothes and toys they’ve brought to your house. It’s not that hard to throw them in the bag. Go buy your own stuff…

DO SAY: Hey [insert name here], can you remind Johnny to bring his shoes back this week? We have an event on Thursday that he needs them for.

Catch what I’m throwing at ya here?!

5. HAVE A DESIGNATED BAG FOR TRANSITIONING BELONGINGS

Pick out a special bag for the kids to bring back and forth. If there is something they want to transition, ask them to put it back in the bag as soon as they are done with it.

Many times I’ve said “Don’t worry about washing it, I’ll do that when you come back” so they put it right in the bag. I know how crazy my laundry room can get, and I know for a fact that, no fault to anyone, things get lost in that chaos!

6. JUST GO AND GET IT FROM THEIR MOM’S HOUSE (IF THAT’S AN OPTION)

Yes, it’s inconvenient. Yes, it’s a little frustrating. But when you look at the big picture, it doesn’t REALLY matter. It’s not that big of a deal.

Practice the 5/5/5 Rule.

Ask yourself:

Will this matter in 5 minutes? Yes, it probably will.

BUT

Will this matter in 5 days? No probably not.

Will this matter in 5 years? Not a freaking chance!

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Or like I used to remind myself, “Don’t sweat the skinny jeans”.

It may take an extra 20/30 minutes out of your week to go grab what they need, but hey, what can you do?

7. DOUBLE-CHECK THAT YOU HAVE EVERYTHING AT THE BEGINNING OF THE WEEK

At the beginning of the week, I would look ahead at our schedule and make sure that the kids had everything that they needed. I am talking hockey equipment, running shoes, coats, boots and their favourite clothes.

This way, if they forgot something, I could be proactive and go and get it right away instead of realizing that they were without something when we were in a panic, running out the door.

8. REMEMBER THAT THE KIDS SHOULDN’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE

Yes, they need to be responsible.

Yes, they need to adapt to their situation.

But at the end of the day, kids shouldn’t be worrying about keeping track of an Under Armour Shirt or a new pair of pants.

They didn’t sign up for that – so when you’re frustrated and want to give them crap about forgetting their stuff AGAIN… remember, other kids don’t have to worry about this stuff! You don’t want them to look back on their childhood and remember how much stress they had over a stupid t-shirt.

You also don’t want them having major anxiety over their stepmom/dad being upset that something didn’t come back.

They’re just kids!

9. BUY TWO SETS

One of my stepson’s gets a favorite outfit and wants to wear it OVER AND OVER. One summer, instead of having him bring stuff back and forth, his Mom and I bought the same clothing. I sent her a link for what we bought here and she did the same for her house.

If you don’t have a relationship where you can communicate that way, just ask the kids where they got their favourites or Google the brand name so that you can find the same pair.

10. USE LABELS

I highly recommend getting customized labels for the kid’s belongings. You can create a unique design for each of their houses.

As the kids got older, I started to have a hard time keeping track of where certain clothing items were from. They all started to look the same.

Having labels on the clothes helped me to keep track of what belonged where.

We used Mabels Labels which are linked here.

I recommend not writing “moms” or “dads” on the labels. Like I said above, use the child’s name with a unique design or colour for each house.

In theory, labelling “moms” and ”dads” makes sense and it is an easy way to keep track of where the clothes come from – but it gives the message that the kid’s belongings aren’t actually theirs.