Please Stop Telling Me Not To Be Dependant On My Husband

This morning I started several blog posts. They are sitting in draft form on my iphone because none of them inspired me enough to finish.

That’s what I do if you’re wondering. I’ll be walking through the grocery store, or standing in line waiting for coffee and an idea will all of a sudden come to me. I quickly hammer it out on the notes section of my iphone, because I know if I don’t, the idea will get lost in the countless other thoughts about responsibilities & kids & life that go through my head on a daily basis.

I’m not one of those writers who can just sit down and write. I need some inspiration. Most often, I need something to grind my gears.

Today, after starting and not finishing those mediocre blog posts, I scrolled through my newsfeed and found just the inspiration I needed.

It was an article, very similar to ones I have seen before. Today, just like in the past, they elicited the same frustration as they always have.

It was yet another article written by a (divorced) woman declaring that women should not lean/depend on their husbands in life.

These articles are often written post divorce, by women who have had to rebuild their life as a single mom. They speak about the stress of being financially dependant on their husbands, leaving their marriage with nothing and having to get used to life without a partner, and without their kids 100% of the time.

I know you’ve read these articles too. They probably made you stop and re-evaluate your marriage, the decisions you’ve made and the type of wife you are.

Look, I get it. Well actually I don’t get it, I’ve never been there.

But I can empathize with the feelings of hurt, frustration, and how difficult it would be to have to start your life from scratch.

I truly cannot imagine what that feels like – and honestly hope to god that I never have to.

So while I do empathize and respect the perspective that these articles are written from, I do take issue to people telling me that I shouldn’t depend on my husband. I have an issue with people telling me that I shouldn’t lean on him too much.

While I know that this warning comes from a good place, in a way, I find it somewhat insulting.

Leaning on my husband doesn’t make me any less independent. It doesn’t make me any less strong.

Yes I lean on him. Yes I depend on him. In fact, if you’ve been following me for any length of time you know that after we had our baby girl, I decided to not return to work so I could stay home and care for the kids, while my husband continues to build HIS career.

It was a decision that WE made for our family, together, for us, as the married couple that we are.

Even though I have since started a home-based business, when it boils down to it, the children and I are dependant on him financially.

AND If something were to happen to our marriage, I would still be dependant on him financially. In fact, if I needed to leave, the first and last month deposit on an apartment, would most likely come from our joint bank account.

But guess what, he’s pretty damn dependant on me too.

Running a family takes more than money in the bank. There are household duties, all the responsibilities that come with raising children, groceries, pick up, drop off, managing a household, tending to sick kids, homework, extra curricular sports, organization, planning… the list goes on.

He is dependant on me for all of that.

Ask him what size the kid’s shoes are, or what they like in their lunches. He doesn’t know…

Ask him when our daughters skating deposit is due. He doesn’t have a clue. I manage all that.

Send that man into a grocery store for a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and he’ll be gone for hours, and may even come back empty handed.

He relies on me to take care of that stuff, so he can focus his time and energy on building his career…

A career that ultimately benefits our family as a whole.

So even though my paycheques aren’t even close to his, and most of my “job description” falls under the “homemaker” category, we are a team. We are equal contributors in this household.

He needs me, and I need him.

The warning to never rely on a man financially (or socially), in my opinion, comes with the presumption that our marriage will fail. That our team will break up.

While statistics show that YES over half of marriages will end in divorce, I refuse to live my life anticipating and preparing for something, that I work every day to ensure never happens.

(Yes, marriage is something that you have to work at every damn day)

I don’t want to make decisions in our marriage, based on what would be better for me if it failed.

I want to make decision based on what works for us within the commitment that we have made.

If something does happen, and my marriage does fail, THEN I will begin making decisions in my life that are best for THAT circumstance.

I will have to figure out a lot of stuff, and learn how to manage life on my own. But he will have to do the same.

But until then, I’ll continue to lean on him, and he’ll continue to lean on me, because that’s what works for us and the partnership that we are in.

At the end of the day, we are a we!