Have you ever wondered what my husband’s ex-wife thinks of my blog? Actually, I know the answer to that question – it’s the reason why I’m writing this post in the first.
Believe it or not, it’s the most common question that I am asked. Of all the things I talk about… that is what you’re all dying to know.
Whether it be through an Instagram DM, Facebook, email, or an informal chit chat with an acquaintance, at least weekly, I’m asked “so what does your husband’s ex-wife think about your blog”
Part of me gets it. I would wonder too.
And this curiosity is pretty aligned with the assumption that our society has about the turf war drama between stepmoms and ex-wives.
But the other part of me… finds this question REALLY frustrating.
It’s just another reminder that while Moms are encouraged to openly talk about their experiences in motherhood, stepmothers are expected to stay hush hush– because well, we knew what we were signing up for right? We need to know our place.
Insert eye roll here.
To be honest, I rarely respond when I’m asked this question. It all comes back to boundaries and my commitment to keeping this blog about me and my experiences. Not about someone else.
Because here’s the thing guys. This blog has NOTHING to do with my husband’s first marriage. It has NOTHING to do with my stepchildren’s mom.
Sure, I mention her in passing as she is player in a co-parenting dynamic, but this blog is about my story not hers.
I speak about OUR experiences and from OUR lens.
I firmly believe that if done right, a stepmom CAN talk about the challenges that come with step-motherhood WITHOUT it being about the ex.
So, to finally answer the burning question, I don’t know what she thinks about my blog – we don’t talk about it. I don’t ask her.
I have never given her a reason to have an issue with it, so I don’t anticipate that anything will ever come up.
I’m a firm believer that you should not allow other people to have an opinion on how you live your life. And well, this is my thing, this is what I do. This platform has become a huge part of who I am.
Sure when I first started blogging, if it caused issues, I probably would have stopped. But here we are a few years in and I’m in it for the long haul.
Don’t get me wrong, we have HAD conversations about it. When I first launched, she did bring it up.
In our brief email correspondence, I quickly reassured her that this platform was (and still is) NOT about her. It’s about a community of women who were lacking support. It’s about normalizing the experiences of step-motherhood.
In this conversation, I also assured her that while there are things in our lives that would make damn good blogs posts, they will never make it to the site. Even though I am an open book, I’m not the only player in this story, and I respect that.
HERE’S THE THING…
It is not my place to tell my version of someone else’s experience. It is not my place to share my opinion of a situation that has many different sides.
If you scroll through my posts you’ll see that I always reference my stepchildren’s mom with the utmost respect.
As I said a previous post, “my rules for blogging about our blended family” when I first started this blog I knew I was walking a fine line. I wanted to open up the conversation, while still respecting all the people in my life.
Just like in our blended family life, boundaries are key.
Which is why at the very beginning I set some strict rules for myself, that even with evolution of this blog and the ebbs and flows of our stepfamily life, I continue to abide by.
Everything I write on my blog I am completely comfortable with my husband’s first wife reading. I have no idea if she reads it or not but either way, I’m okay with it
(if we’re being completely honest, if she had a blog I can’t say I wouldn’t sneak a peek here and there… come on, let’s be real here!)
If at any point in time she has an issue with something I’ve said, I would strongly consider taking it down.
Family first – always.
She is the mother of three of most important people in my life – so I treat her with respect. Plain and simple.
Even if I didn’t respect her. You’d never hear that on this blog.
Are we friends?
Are we enemies?
Have we had challenges along the way?
Oh yeah, we have.
Do we always have the same outlook?
Can we talk socially at the hockey arena, or enjoy a glass of wine at one of the boy’s tournaments? AND ENJOY A GLASS OF WINE AT ONE
Most of the time…
Can we chit chat about how the kids are doing and coordinate who’s taking care of the orthodontic appointment?
At the end of the day, even though Society would like to put us on opposite sides AND somedays it feels like we are on opposite ends – we are on the same team. Team raising these kids up into kind and successful adults.
Fellow stepmoms often reach out to me, and tell me that they want to start their own blog. They tell me that they have a high conflict-co-parenting relationship with their husband’s ex-wife, and want to share their story.
My response is always… “you should probably just get a journal, or even a therapist”
While I think it’s important to talk about the realities of step-motherhood and co-parenting, this is a risky path to take.
The internet is forever!
I don’t think that anyone should put someone down online.
It wreaks of insecurity and is just gross.
It’s also deformation of character and if someone ever did that to me, I would sue their ass and stat.
It’s also important to remember, that your stepkids have access to the internet, and will someday read what you’ve wrote. I think about that with every single word that I write.
Always remember, your husband’s ex-wife, is one of the most important people in your stepchildren’s lives. There is a way to talk openly about your step-parenting challenges without putting anyone down.
So there you have it. The answer to the question I have avoided for years.
No juicy story here.
Just a stepmom blogging about her experiences, on a mission to show other stepmoms that it is entirely possibly to live a KICK-ASS life amongst all the stressors that come with step-motherhood
Our stepfamily life used to stress me out so much that my hands would literally shake. I’d be consumed with the latest issue, unable to think about anything else. I felt overwhelmed, alone and like no one understood what it was REALLY like to marry a man with kids.
Not anymore… Now everything has changed, and I’m sharing exactly what I did to get here!